There is Still so Much to Process

(Originally published October 21, 2021)

Still reflecting on this trip back home to the motherland, Ilha das Flores Açores, to visit my father in hospital who back in February 2021 had a debilitating stroke.

The last time I was here it was in the year 2000, a very different time.

A time of awkwardness, going through puberty, lots of changes, trying to figure out who I am and how to belong, scared to be alone.

This time was different.

I filled my bag with all of my tools prepared for this monumental moment in my life and solo journey. This time I felt fearless and self-assured.

I knew that it would be difficult, and it was.

What I wasn’t expecting was how simultaneously beautiful this experience would be.

Throughout the trip I felt extremely grounded and protected.

There is something so magical and healing in reconnecting with the landscape of your birthplace and your bloodline.

Seeing and connecting with the ocean every mo[u]rning became a ritual of cleansing and renewal.

Breathing in the freshest air imaginable nourished my lungs and supported the grief.

The outpouring love and support from my family (that I hadn’t connected with for over 20 years) was reaffirming.

This trip was profound in many ways and challenging.

My overall feelings is one of gratitude.

I am grateful for the bizarre, beautiful, challenging, charming, scary, surreal, grotesque, gorgeous, stupid, sublime thing we cal life.

Side note: the adidas shorts I’m earring in the photo were my father’s when he was a teen in the 70s.